My First Destroyer

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Read Time:2 Minute, 18 Second

By Lilly Sayenga

Everything I love 

Is falling apart 

They’re leaving me behind 

But say they hold me in their hearts 

I am not mad 

I am upset 

I hate how we’re so similar 

I hate that I miss what I can’t forget 

The gaps, I have noticed, are the hardest wounds to set. 

When I was seven 

I slipped in the shower 

Trying to retrieve a bar of soap 

It was my mother’s 

And I felt myself fall 

And ceramic parted the petals that wrap my skull

I now have a scar 

Very faint 

Under my right eyebrow 

Above my eyelid 

I would later faint in that shower 

And my parents thought I was dead 

Since I am too fragile and stitched inside my head

So I miss 

And I scar 

Because I know they don’t 

Want things to change 

I don’t either so 

Why change it 

Why cut it so it will scar

Still skin but not the same skin 

Because it’s been forced apart 

And it’s not your fault 

I want you to be well 

I want things to be better 

When we start our twelve month lease

in a beautiful gothic building conveniently located

next to Hell 

But I can’t let myself sit here 

But I can’t get myself to trust 

Anyone else 

I love you all so much 

But I don’t know what to do 

So I don’t know what to do 

The scar under my eyebrow 

Just out of my 


Reminds me that things can 

Never be nice for too long 

I will slip while reaching for soap 

And things will get messy 

And I will be very exceedingly 


But it doesn’t stay the same 

It just scars 

Into a faint line 

That fades in my fainted consciousness

With a bit of time

And I know you’ll hate this poem 

You’ll say it’s too much 


But it’s only a scar if it doesn’t bleed anymore

Though it can still hurt when it’s touched

Sounds about right so 

Don’t mind the suds 

I’m trying my best here 

To bring them the soap 

I love them so much 

But sometimes I just 

Don’t want to cope 

I just want the same skin 

That I had before 

Smooth like the ceramic 

Before I hit the tile floor

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