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By Lilly Sayenga
Now that the faces pass by me again
I realize I can be seen
and I think that
I am more invisible
and there’s no way they could like me
I shut myself off from feeling
Because apathy is better than pain
I blast my childhood electroclash
And I wish that i was still the same
And regretting that I am
.
I have loved no one who has loved me
i have felt nothing that has wanted me
i have moved through this world
as an agent
untouched
Forcing myself to make decisions
that damage my trust
.
I am going to become
one day
what i wanted to be
I will be what someone wants
and they will like me
And I won’t be issuing
any more apologies
.
But i put this idea into
everyone’s head
A rolled-up scroll of paper
tinted with hair dye
dead flowers
And existential dread
You all think I’m insane
and i probably am
That’s why I’m here now
That’s why i shrink back
.
From anyone who looks like
they see it too
Anyone who looks like
they look like you
Let me be clear
I know myself well
And let me be clear
You can go to Hell
but I wish I had something
Some sign that i
could mean something to someone
That it’s not just ‘them to I’
.
So I am removing this vicious tuft
i am proclaiming myself
an eternal lover
eternally unloved
And I think i’ll have to live in the apathy
I think i’ll just need
to wait for someone to see
.
i’m not who you want me to be
I love you
And i wish you’d care about me
But I’m just a loser
in spite of this speech
With dye-stained hands
and love wrongly bequeathed
.
But one of these days
I won’t be
